It's A Birthday, And I Don't Really Care

I don't get birthdays. Never really have. I mean, sure as a kid I was stoked for presents and shit, but I never really understood the concept. There's no real difference, but for some reason you're supposed to be.

The whole thing is like, "Congratulations, you managed to survive yet another year on this crappy planet with out being killed [and as such are not a retard] or killing yourself [and therefore are], have a party and some presents!!"

I just don't really get it. You don't change. There is no key difference between on the day before my birthday and me on my birthday. Hardly any at all, unless you count digestive changes. [And if you do, there's something seriously wrong with you.]

And I suppose I can sort of get what people are harping over, even if I think it's stupid, but pretty much everyone I talk to about this is like "What?! You're crazy." Even though I have a far stronger argument. Plus you'd think of all people my family would at least realise I think this way by now. But no, every time I forget someones birthday because they really mean nothing to me they get all offended or surprised. I NEARLY FORGOT MY OWN 18TH ENTIRELY, what the fuck makes you think that I'd bother to remember anyone elses birthday??

And every tyime it happens my opinion comes up I'm called crazy. Then they either completely forget that I even have an opinion on the matter or they assume that their accusation of loony meant that I instantly changed my opinion to completely align with theirs. EVEN THOUGH MINE MAKES MORE SENSE.

Well you know what? Fuck birthdays. They mean nothing.

Don't. Fuck. With. Chuck.

Are any of you 24 fans?? Well I'm not. Not because it's a bad show or anything, in fact writing wise they pull off some pretty kool stuff from time to time. [It also has some pretty stupid shit on it at times, just like any show.] Just not really the type of TV that I watch.

But today I got told by a fan that "Jack Baur makes Chuck Norris cry", and since Chuck, in his infinite wisdom, chose not to smite down the blasphemer, I fell I must do so. I'd like to think that he did not because he wished to allow me the opportunity to do so, but I would never presume to comprehend such an omnipotent being or to be noticeable to Him. [Because he'd kill me if I did.]

Now, to denounce the pretender. Jack Baur fights terrorists. Chuck Norris is where the idea of terror originally came from. Jack Baur works hard to get the job done. Chuck Norris thinks about accomplishing a goal, and it accomplishes itself. jack Baur uses a gun. Chuck Norris needs no gun. Ad infinitum.

In sumation, yes Jack Baur has his moments. Chuck Norris owns those moments, and all others.

Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ

Do you ever get those moments where something that you saw or heard waaayyyy back in the past just pop up in your head for no clear reason?? Well I had that about thirty minutes ago with a single line from a certain movie which shall remain unnamed.

Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ.

Now just in case you don't understand, that is an expletive [a swear]. Normally it's just Jesus H. Christ, but in this instance the tap-dancing was added [if you've seen the movie you'll get it]. This got me thinking along an odd train of thought.

I mean, what if Jesus did tap-dance?? At first you might think that one of the most retarded questions ever put to you, but actually consider it. If Jesus used his Prophet Powers to tap-dance before it was ever invented, that's pretty freaking awesome. And it wouldn't have been him inventing it earlier, because someone else invented in the future, Jesus just looked forawrd and did it. It would mean that he did something which had not been invented yet. No one can reasonably deny how fucking kool that is, even if it is tap-dancing.

And it wouldn't even have been that stupid a thing for him to have done either. How would the sweaty, poor and oppressed people that Jesus preached to have reacted to him tap-dancing?? Their minds would have been fucking blown away, that's how.

J. May Needs To Stick To Music

I am definitely going to make an enemy or two from this post but I have to do it.

Now, I like John Mayer's music, what I've heard of it anyway, but the guy has some serious flaws. The whole letting racist things fall out of his mouth like carbon dioxide thing aside, what a fucking douche bag.

Since blogger is kind of gay [yes, I was warned, rub my nose in it at your own peril] it won't let me paste the link and it's way too long for me to type it out, but on CRACKED.COM at some point recently, a columnist ripped on him for a while for something about not reblogging, I dunno. But a central theme of the whole thing was JM trying way, way too hard to be hell deep and shit. One in particular flared my rage-nostrils:

"There's a level of travel that you can achieve wherein you almost cease to exist as you have been known to yourself. I don't mean it as in a feeling of meaningless, or emptiness, but a sort of new kind of existence takes place. You become just particles in motion, closer in frequency to a ghost or something."

Now, to be honest, I'm not sure where to start with ripping on JM for this [or if I could ever stop for that matter], but I'll just have at it and see where it goes.

Firstly, what sort of retard are you? You are always just particles in motion, it's how you fucking move. Also, a ghost? A ghost? Ghosts' don't have particles, their fucking ghosts you retarded donkey shit.

Next, "a feeling of meaningless"? Yeah, you're so fucking deep that you can't tell the difference between meaningless and meaninglessness. Ill help. Meaninglessness is a concious thing's state of feeling to have no meaning, meaningless is something having a permanent property of having no meaning, and both of them apply to you.

Lastly [because this rage cannot be good for my heart] the whole premise of this thing makes about as much sense as fake moustaches for monkeys. [Actually, that sounds kind of awesome, sctratch that.] What the hell does travel have to do with changing you?? Plenty of people travel and it has about as much of an effect on them as Kevin Rudd having high blood pressure. [None.] Journey's are the things that change people, travel is literally just moving the fuck around.

THERE'S NO WHITE WINE??!!!!

Okay, this happened on wednesday, and I should have ranted about it then, but screw you, get off my back, geez. Anyway.

I changed to channel 10, and master chef was on. And this show realli epitomises my hatred of "reality TV". Now, aside from the fact that all it really does is show you wonderful and probably delicious [it often looks so] food that most humans will never get to have, sometimes you have to come in at the last minute see how retarded it realy is.

I personally came in at a choice moment; some guy was taste testing some french sounding food for its ingredients, he said white wine. After a few seconds, the presenter that isn't retarded [I call him the Anti-Crevat] said "I can now say that there is definitely no white wine in the [foods name]."

Firslty, I can now say that? Now?? Was there someone who indicated that he could only respond a few seconds later?? He was looking off to the side during the wait, so he could have been waiting for a physical cue.

But the real thing was the reaction. I don't watch this show and don't know how it works, maybe one wrong answer in this scenario spelled doom, I dunno, but no joke, everyone either started crying, or did that manly equivalent where they nod their head. It was seriously like "Theres no white wine??!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!"

What a load of crap.

Come Back, Colbert

Every weekday on ABC2 at 7:33 I watch perhaps [absolutely] the best talk show on the planet. The Colbert Report. Most of you probably don't know it, but it rapes Rove to death on the awesome meter, and every other meter. [Except for the suck-o-meter, first developed by Nikola Tesla.]

Some of you might not like it because its very, very American [that's a part of its whole image] and I can respect that, but Stephen Colbert IS hilarious, and anyone who says other wise will feel my wrath. Basically, watch it some time and see if you like it.

But not at the moment, because he's on holiday. And stupid mother fucking ABC2 is clearly a cheap son of a branch davidian, becuase instead of putting on something else in that slot for the two weeks or so that he out, they're playing reruns.

Now, this crap is okay for normal TV shows, but in no way does it work for a talk show. Firstly, the reruns that they are using are from very, very recently. As in last week. They don't even bother to choose one which we could pretend to be a reall new one as well, because on the one aired tonight, Stephen Colbert wished me happy earth day.

IT'S NOT EARTH DAY.

For Chtulu's sake people, get off your asses.

Aaaaannnndddd........Discuss!

Apparently, people don't like discussing things. Not only does hardly anyone talk in tutorials at uni, but I've had fuck all posts on the discussion boards on The Infinite Container' fb page. All of two comments have been made, and they were both by mentally unstable women in the book club section. Why??

Is it that you're all too shy?? That can't be it, because I know for a fact Alex Briggs reads this blog at least semi-regularly, and hes about as shy as Paris Hiltons vagina. Perhaps the internet makes people shy... no that can't be it, then chatroullette wouldn't exist. Is that none of you have anything interesting to say?? Maybe a little more realistic, but stillnot enough to stop comments. Besides, it's not like that ever stops anyone.

Hold on....did I tell you people that the discussion boards were there?? I don't recall if I did. Hmmm. I suppose that would explain it. And you wouldn't have learnt it from fb as they don't even tell me when messages are posted. 'Tards.

Well then, heres me telling you. There's one for blog suggestions, one for book club suggestions, one for giving the name and hopefully adress of those sick people who haven't read Harry Potter and a final one for posting words you've made up out of previous words that are funny or awesome or useful [which I think I've already mentioned].

Aaaaannnndddd.........Dicuss!

Papa Google

I have heard some interesting things about Google recently. Actually come to think of it I may have heard them before on Hungry Beast, but I can't quite recall. Anyway, most of what I'm hearing is negative, and most of it makes a reasonable case.

Googe knows everything about you. Practically everything you have ever looked up is saved on their hard drives. Every facebook stalk, every crazy [often Japanese] porn fetish you looked up just to see if it was real [and that's all, we swear!].

My opinion on this is something along the lines of so what?? I mean really, what are they going to do with that other than use it to determine what things I like and make the ads I see reflect that. Yes, they could make me see things that I like. The scoundrels!

And I've heard crap about them muscling out the competition in the online ad business or some crap. But come on, how is it their fault that people want their product?? Should they be chastised [punished] for making something that works and every one else who are entirely capable of not using GoogleAds freely choosing to use it??

Basically what I'm getting at is that despite the naysayers, I still love you Papa Google, I still love you.

Word-Mash!

Have you ever wondered where words come from? Like, who decided that dogs would be called dogs, etc. Well even if you haven't [which is probable because sane people don't really think about these things] I have on many occasions, and though I haven't come up with an answer, I have realised something relevant [for once]:

It must have been really fucking hard.

I mean, there's what? 50,000 words in english. That tally probably doesn't even count all the technical and scientific ones. And thats just english. Think of all the other languages. German has a word for practically every phrase that we have. How many fucking words would that take??!!

I tried to make up words today. One was successful and described the magical ability of Jamila's backyard to be anywhere it want's to be [it's also massive with hills and rivers and a snow place where Santa takes his summer holidays], but I forgot that coz it was long. Then while waiting for the loop bus I tried to make a word for when I served people. Here's how it went:

"How can you merge my nameand served?? Perved?? No." /Shannon bursts into laughter.

After successfully making an ass of myself, I came to the conclusion that making new words was often disastrous, and therefore awesome. [Obviously.] As such, new discussion board thing for new words on the fb page. Say the word and what it means.

DO IT NOW!!!!

John Dies At The End

I honestly don't know how to write this blog. The book just defies description.

Well, the author, David Wong, is the [or an, I'm nor entirely sure] editor of CRACKED.COM. If you have never been on this site, then you have never truly lived, but thats a different blog all together.

It's a horror novel, and it is so mind-bogglingly good...I just don't know how to put it into words. It's a sort of twisted fantasy, with ghosts and demons and shadow people and magic and hardcore drugs. THere's this one point where they need to get through a ghost door, and a girl with a hand missing is with them, but [either from magical drugs or ghost-glasses] they can see a ghost of her hand there, and she uses that to open the door, and it's awesome.

Come to think of it, that quote in an earlier blog about walking around the planet, thats from this book.

I really, really want every last one of you and every other human being to read this book.

One Reason [Of Many] That Kristy Beck Disgusts Me

I can forgive many flaws, and considering all of the people who I count as my friends, that is very easy to see. I have friends who are racist, misogenistic, ethnic, female, buddhist, bogan, dero, hippy and even scottish, so you can see that I don't judge too much.

But I have to draw the line. And this... freak... named Kristy Beck has crossed it. I have known her to have a number of flaws before, none of which I really minded, despite my insults to the contrary. But today I learned something about her which goes beyond the norm, beyond the acceptable.

She's never read Harry Potter. Never. Read. Harry. Fucking. Potter. Not one of them. Just the movie. I nearly had a stroke when she told me. Again, she HAS NEVER READ A HARRY POTTER BOOK. None. She even only owns the first one.

Not only that, but she thought that Harry should have ended up with Hermione. What person with any decency or knowledge whatsoever would think this piece of crap?? Take the hint. I managed to rationally argue her down from this point, thank god, and she assures me that she plans on reading them soon.

All can say is that you'd better Kristy. Non-believers don't deserve life.

I know I've already posted a blog today [and like, ten minutes ago] but I need to get something off of my chest. I never get email from human beings. Like, the only times I do are responses to mine or when someones gone, yeah I'll email you the link or the info or whatever.

And this isn't me fishing for people to all of a sudden start sending me emails. No, people doing that in response to this would just be insulting. I just want to know if theres a reason that no one ever tries to contact me. Even texts I only get when people are looking for me so that they're not alone. Am I just, unpleasant, or something??

Attack Of The Moist Toilet Paper

You know all of those weird, stupid gags you see in mostly old TV shows and movies?? You know the ones I'm talking about; where all sorts of corny bull shit happens that would never happen in real life because no one and nothing is that retarded?? The most prolific of which being then someone comes out of the toilet with toilet paper stuck to their shoe??

Well that happened today.

Yes, as a friend of mine came out of the toilet with a few of us waiting for her [coz she takes ages], she came out of the toilet with toilet paper stuck to her shoe. I won't embarass her by telling you who. ... ... ... Nah just kidding, it was Shannon. But it leaves me wondering; How the fuck did toilet paper get stuck to her shoe??

I mean, for that to happen, there had to be toilet paper on the ground [or at least I should hope so]. Now that alone isn't that horrible for public restrooms, in fact its almost an industry standard. But for her to step on it and not realise it, there had to be a good deal of it on the floor [or maybe I'm just being a bit too kind in my estimation of her intelligence, take your pick]. And in order for it to stick the way it did [and boy did it stick] it would have had to be wet.

A public toilet; floor covered in damp toilet paper. Gross.

Stop Asking. Stop Asking. Stop Asking. STOP ASKING.

People ask some stupid questions. And I mean really stupid ones. There's that whole, "Are you okay??" thing that I'm not even going to go into [coz it's so stupid], and theres people who ask if the current topic of conversation is awkward when it clearly is.

One of the most annoying to me is when people ask a question repeatedly, as if you're just going to change your mind. And I'm not talking about big questions like "will you go out with me??", which often do require a little thought beforehand. [It's hard to blow people off nicely.] I'm talking about questions like "Have you had enough to eat??"

And not just as you finish a meal, no, that wouls make too much sense. They'll ask you then, and then maybe two minutes later they'll ask you again. And then another two minutes later. And then another two minutes later. Ad infinitum. [Not really, but it seems like it.] They just keep asking. Like that whole meal will be digested in the space of five minutes.

It can be applied in a whole bunch of situations, and usually people either don't do it or are repeat offenders. Often they are grandmothers. Think about that. If you do this, odds are that YOU ARE A GRANDMOTHER!!!

If You're Good, Be Good

If you're good at something, you should do it. If you're not good at something you should not do it. It's very simple. But for some reason [probably utter stupidity] a lot of people in a lot of different fields [who are sometimes good at the first one] keep assuming that they MUST be just as great, if not greater, at some other one.

The most famous of these is when an actor gets successful and assumes they must be great musicians too [Russel Crowe will NEVER receive enough crap for this] or vice versa. Yes, sometimes it does work out well. But rarely.

The one that's grating my cheese [best phrase ever] at the moment is [shock-horror!] in the realm of video games. Specifically, putting the wrong types of games on certain platforms. I'm going to start with something any one who has played this sort of ting will already know, RTS games are UTTER CRAP on gaming consoles. There is an exception here or there, but generally, they just suck. The sticks dont do enough, theres way more buttons then necessary, its just gay.

On the exact polar opposite of this pectrum is FPS games on computers. I'lll say right now, they all suck. Here, there are not enough buttons; keyboards just aren't ergonomic enough to be effective. And I don't care what people say about the mouse, it DOES NOT help with gameplay. Some sorts of more arcade-style shooters or hack-n-slash style game can work, but not always.

Don't really know how to end this interestingly. "Did you know that if you walked around the world, your hat would travel thirty feet more than your shoes??"

Commentphilia

Acoording to multiverse theory, there is an infinite number of universes, and everything that could possibly happen has happened, is happening, and will happen.

Since it is physically possible for it to happen, that means that right now, and for every point in time in eternity, we are having crazy naked sex. And every type of sex imaginable. I'm talking devices.

That was your punishment for me practically never getting comments.

But with that unpleasantness [which you know you love] over and done with [not really; remember eternity] I can get on with my point, which is comment more. Seriously. Even if it's just like "hey, I liked this one heaps" or something. Or if theres a situation that you can relate to or have experienced or anything at all.

Come on people, this is the internet, it's not meant to be a one-way medium. Help foster the beautiful potential of the internet.

Or else alternate-universe-me will take it to the next level.

Let's Get Born Again!

Today I got handed a tiny little leaflet titled "Steps to Peace With GOD" [there are four of them] from an indian guy while I was getting onto the uni bus. He wasn't one of those crazy preacher people who are all in your face like; "Don't you love God?! Why don't you love God?! You should love God!!" He wasn't that bad; harmless really. He was just like "Are you a christian? [politely nod head] You shold be born again." Very calmly, could have been convincing if it wasn't the same contest. Guy missed his calling as a conman. [Or did he?]

It wasn't a bad experience is what I'm trying to say [very poorly], but it did get me thinking on something that has been on my mind for as long as I knew these sort of people [loons] existed. Do they get how crazy they are?? I mean, I believe that there's a big difference between knowledge and belief, but even if they do believe what they're spouting [which I think they do], do they at least know how crazy what thet believe is??

The deep, dark and surprisingly altruistic recesses of my mind [along with the rational ones] would like to think so. It's kind of hard to explain, but believing that lets me believe that they're real people.

Even if I know that they're not.

World War Z

Now this here is a great fucking book to get the ball rolling. Mother-fucking World War Z by Max Brooks.

The whole point of the book is zombie apocalypse, and it pulls the whole damn thing off perfectly. The beauty of this book comes from the writing style. Each chapter is broken up into sections, and each section is a relevant section of an interview with one of many characters, telling their experiences, how the whole thing went down, etc., and it really gives the book a powerful eomtional pull.

I can promise you by the the end of the first little section in the first chapter [where a doctor encounters fucking Patient Zero] you will be hooked. It is over 300 pages long and I finished it in two days. I could hardly put the thing down.

Apart from that, the book really doesn't mess aronud. The very personal instances of survival suck you in like you're actually there. Part of the story of the book is the writer was working for the UN collecting data, so there's a lot of logistical stuff about what happened all over the world. And I mean all over the world. There a countries which got decimated, a couple which thrived and one that had actually planned ahead.

I can't really explain how awesome this book is. You just have to read it.

My Book's Bigger Than Your Book

You know what?? None of you fuckers read enough god damned books. There, I said it. I read every fucking day. Rarely more often than I watch TV or dvds obviously, but it can and does happen. Books are fucking good to read.

I have over a thousand dollars worth of the printed word in my bedroom alone. We should all read more god damned books. I don't really even think I read as much as I should, but come on, lets cut us all a little slack. I just think you should all read a bit more. I mean, surely you could manage at least ONE book a month?? Couldn't you??

And there's so many benefits. I don't care what anyone says, they make you smarter. Basically everyone who knows me well gets that I'm smart. And I attribute 35% of all of that to my life long reading habits. They are also fun. Some things actually can only be funny when they're in text [like much of CRACKED.COM], and there are a lot of funny as books out there.

But why would you listen to me?? Because I'll force you to. From now on, I'm starting my own damn book club. And not some crappy Oprah one. One with good books. At least once a week I'll set one on you, and I won't put it on a set day. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHEN IT MAY STRIKE. That way, those of you who like books will read every day to try and catch it, and those who don't will still read everyday because they won't know how to avoid it.

And if you are already a devoted book nerd and want to suggest one to me, you go right on ahead. Email the title and author to me at infinitecontainer@gmail.com with the subject "book club" [with out the freking quotations people] and I've alrady set it up to go to its own little folder for me to constantly check.

Prepare to be literaturised, bitches.