That's A Big-Assed....Ass...[Damn]

I am sick of and hate fat people. Not all of them, just some of them. Now it is a fact that some people are just genetically fat. [Although that big bones thing is a downright lie. Like your parents loving you.] Back in the times before food sources were reliable and famines were still an every other week kind of deal, having that extra meat on the bone let them outlive their skinnier [and largely {get it??} more attractive] contemporaries. Adds a real ironic dimension to survival of the fittest, huh?? [I'm on a roll {hah!} today].

I get that, it's fair, they really can't do anything about it. But then there really are people who need to put the motherfucking Cheeto's down. I know that they're delicious, but when you've eaten enough to suffocate all of the children in an orhpanage, it's time to stop. Today a fat guy got on the bus, and got off at the next stop twenty fucking metres down the road. And he got on in front of the supermarket. His bag had nothing but chips and soft drinks in it.

This guy needs only a watcher with a cattle prod [and legal immunity] to get less fat. And he has no excuse to not be so fat. And don't give me that different life choice crap. Yeah, he makes a choice; he chooses to force his hideousness on others, and should be punished for being so inconsiderate. He should be grilled alive [extra-crispy] and the meat should be cut into portions and served in different styles to dogs [such as mexican, italian, etc.] to see if different breeds like different styles of cooking over other.

Wow, that was specific to a massive {zing!} degree, huh??

BEST BLOGS EVER, PERIOD.

yes, I know. :)

Ask me anything

What do you think is the best way to defeat terrorism?

Well. Firstly, we need to admit we've been going about it all wrong with all the torture hidden away in jails. The torture needs to be as public as possible. That's how you discourage them.

Secondly, if these people weren't so damn stupid and poor they wouldn't bomb anyone to begin with, so we need to make them not poor and give them some basic education so they can blame their poverty on the right people. Not us.

Ask me anything

I Fucking Love Uni

So I needed to use the toilet before my tutorial today, nothing special in that. There was graffiti on the wall of the toilet stall, nothing special in that either. But no joke, this is the best graffiti that has ever been made in a public toilet.

Okay, so someone had drawn in pen a head with a penis going into it's mouth. [In case you're wondering, that isn't the awesome part.] In permant texta, someone else had drawn an arrow pointing to the head labelling it "The Australian People." And another arrow pointed to the penis saying "Bipartisan Politics."

And all that went through my mind was "I fuckin' love uni." Seriously. The cock drawings in the toilet stall are making a political statement. [And an entirely correct one at that.]

What an amzing place.

Formspring.Me Bitches

I've heard a whole bunch about this damn formspring thing for a while, but I've only really looked at it today. So far, I like the sounds of it. Chiefly, I like how it interlocks with facebook, that makes my life a whole fuckload easier. [Although not to the level of some people I know. SNAP]

I like the concept of it too. The whole ask a question anonymously thing I imagine will have and already has had some hiLARIOUS results. And it occurs to me know that I've said whole an unusually large number of times this blog. That's....odd.

Anyway, yes I like where this whole thing could lead. You can get to mine at: www.formspring.me/DrFacepalm

Feel free to ask me any question, but don't be surprised if I ignore some of them. And if I get one asking me how big my dick is, so help me God......

It's A Birthday, And I Don't Really Care

I don't get birthdays. Never really have. I mean, sure as a kid I was stoked for presents and shit, but I never really understood the concept. There's no real difference, but for some reason you're supposed to be.

The whole thing is like, "Congratulations, you managed to survive yet another year on this crappy planet with out being killed [and as such are not a retard] or killing yourself [and therefore are], have a party and some presents!!"

I just don't really get it. You don't change. There is no key difference between on the day before my birthday and me on my birthday. Hardly any at all, unless you count digestive changes. [And if you do, there's something seriously wrong with you.]

And I suppose I can sort of get what people are harping over, even if I think it's stupid, but pretty much everyone I talk to about this is like "What?! You're crazy." Even though I have a far stronger argument. Plus you'd think of all people my family would at least realise I think this way by now. But no, every time I forget someones birthday because they really mean nothing to me they get all offended or surprised. I NEARLY FORGOT MY OWN 18TH ENTIRELY, what the fuck makes you think that I'd bother to remember anyone elses birthday??

And every tyime it happens my opinion comes up I'm called crazy. Then they either completely forget that I even have an opinion on the matter or they assume that their accusation of loony meant that I instantly changed my opinion to completely align with theirs. EVEN THOUGH MINE MAKES MORE SENSE.

Well you know what? Fuck birthdays. They mean nothing.

Don't. Fuck. With. Chuck.

Are any of you 24 fans?? Well I'm not. Not because it's a bad show or anything, in fact writing wise they pull off some pretty kool stuff from time to time. [It also has some pretty stupid shit on it at times, just like any show.] Just not really the type of TV that I watch.

But today I got told by a fan that "Jack Baur makes Chuck Norris cry", and since Chuck, in his infinite wisdom, chose not to smite down the blasphemer, I fell I must do so. I'd like to think that he did not because he wished to allow me the opportunity to do so, but I would never presume to comprehend such an omnipotent being or to be noticeable to Him. [Because he'd kill me if I did.]

Now, to denounce the pretender. Jack Baur fights terrorists. Chuck Norris is where the idea of terror originally came from. Jack Baur works hard to get the job done. Chuck Norris thinks about accomplishing a goal, and it accomplishes itself. jack Baur uses a gun. Chuck Norris needs no gun. Ad infinitum.

In sumation, yes Jack Baur has his moments. Chuck Norris owns those moments, and all others.

Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ

Do you ever get those moments where something that you saw or heard waaayyyy back in the past just pop up in your head for no clear reason?? Well I had that about thirty minutes ago with a single line from a certain movie which shall remain unnamed.

Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ.

Now just in case you don't understand, that is an expletive [a swear]. Normally it's just Jesus H. Christ, but in this instance the tap-dancing was added [if you've seen the movie you'll get it]. This got me thinking along an odd train of thought.

I mean, what if Jesus did tap-dance?? At first you might think that one of the most retarded questions ever put to you, but actually consider it. If Jesus used his Prophet Powers to tap-dance before it was ever invented, that's pretty freaking awesome. And it wouldn't have been him inventing it earlier, because someone else invented in the future, Jesus just looked forawrd and did it. It would mean that he did something which had not been invented yet. No one can reasonably deny how fucking kool that is, even if it is tap-dancing.

And it wouldn't even have been that stupid a thing for him to have done either. How would the sweaty, poor and oppressed people that Jesus preached to have reacted to him tap-dancing?? Their minds would have been fucking blown away, that's how.

J. May Needs To Stick To Music

I am definitely going to make an enemy or two from this post but I have to do it.

Now, I like John Mayer's music, what I've heard of it anyway, but the guy has some serious flaws. The whole letting racist things fall out of his mouth like carbon dioxide thing aside, what a fucking douche bag.

Since blogger is kind of gay [yes, I was warned, rub my nose in it at your own peril] it won't let me paste the link and it's way too long for me to type it out, but on CRACKED.COM at some point recently, a columnist ripped on him for a while for something about not reblogging, I dunno. But a central theme of the whole thing was JM trying way, way too hard to be hell deep and shit. One in particular flared my rage-nostrils:

"There's a level of travel that you can achieve wherein you almost cease to exist as you have been known to yourself. I don't mean it as in a feeling of meaningless, or emptiness, but a sort of new kind of existence takes place. You become just particles in motion, closer in frequency to a ghost or something."

Now, to be honest, I'm not sure where to start with ripping on JM for this [or if I could ever stop for that matter], but I'll just have at it and see where it goes.

Firstly, what sort of retard are you? You are always just particles in motion, it's how you fucking move. Also, a ghost? A ghost? Ghosts' don't have particles, their fucking ghosts you retarded donkey shit.

Next, "a feeling of meaningless"? Yeah, you're so fucking deep that you can't tell the difference between meaningless and meaninglessness. Ill help. Meaninglessness is a concious thing's state of feeling to have no meaning, meaningless is something having a permanent property of having no meaning, and both of them apply to you.

Lastly [because this rage cannot be good for my heart] the whole premise of this thing makes about as much sense as fake moustaches for monkeys. [Actually, that sounds kind of awesome, sctratch that.] What the hell does travel have to do with changing you?? Plenty of people travel and it has about as much of an effect on them as Kevin Rudd having high blood pressure. [None.] Journey's are the things that change people, travel is literally just moving the fuck around.

THERE'S NO WHITE WINE??!!!!

Okay, this happened on wednesday, and I should have ranted about it then, but screw you, get off my back, geez. Anyway.

I changed to channel 10, and master chef was on. And this show realli epitomises my hatred of "reality TV". Now, aside from the fact that all it really does is show you wonderful and probably delicious [it often looks so] food that most humans will never get to have, sometimes you have to come in at the last minute see how retarded it realy is.

I personally came in at a choice moment; some guy was taste testing some french sounding food for its ingredients, he said white wine. After a few seconds, the presenter that isn't retarded [I call him the Anti-Crevat] said "I can now say that there is definitely no white wine in the [foods name]."

Firslty, I can now say that? Now?? Was there someone who indicated that he could only respond a few seconds later?? He was looking off to the side during the wait, so he could have been waiting for a physical cue.

But the real thing was the reaction. I don't watch this show and don't know how it works, maybe one wrong answer in this scenario spelled doom, I dunno, but no joke, everyone either started crying, or did that manly equivalent where they nod their head. It was seriously like "Theres no white wine??!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!"

What a load of crap.

Come Back, Colbert

Every weekday on ABC2 at 7:33 I watch perhaps [absolutely] the best talk show on the planet. The Colbert Report. Most of you probably don't know it, but it rapes Rove to death on the awesome meter, and every other meter. [Except for the suck-o-meter, first developed by Nikola Tesla.]

Some of you might not like it because its very, very American [that's a part of its whole image] and I can respect that, but Stephen Colbert IS hilarious, and anyone who says other wise will feel my wrath. Basically, watch it some time and see if you like it.

But not at the moment, because he's on holiday. And stupid mother fucking ABC2 is clearly a cheap son of a branch davidian, becuase instead of putting on something else in that slot for the two weeks or so that he out, they're playing reruns.

Now, this crap is okay for normal TV shows, but in no way does it work for a talk show. Firstly, the reruns that they are using are from very, very recently. As in last week. They don't even bother to choose one which we could pretend to be a reall new one as well, because on the one aired tonight, Stephen Colbert wished me happy earth day.

IT'S NOT EARTH DAY.

For Chtulu's sake people, get off your asses.

Aaaaannnndddd........Discuss!

Apparently, people don't like discussing things. Not only does hardly anyone talk in tutorials at uni, but I've had fuck all posts on the discussion boards on The Infinite Container' fb page. All of two comments have been made, and they were both by mentally unstable women in the book club section. Why??

Is it that you're all too shy?? That can't be it, because I know for a fact Alex Briggs reads this blog at least semi-regularly, and hes about as shy as Paris Hiltons vagina. Perhaps the internet makes people shy... no that can't be it, then chatroullette wouldn't exist. Is that none of you have anything interesting to say?? Maybe a little more realistic, but stillnot enough to stop comments. Besides, it's not like that ever stops anyone.

Hold on....did I tell you people that the discussion boards were there?? I don't recall if I did. Hmmm. I suppose that would explain it. And you wouldn't have learnt it from fb as they don't even tell me when messages are posted. 'Tards.

Well then, heres me telling you. There's one for blog suggestions, one for book club suggestions, one for giving the name and hopefully adress of those sick people who haven't read Harry Potter and a final one for posting words you've made up out of previous words that are funny or awesome or useful [which I think I've already mentioned].

Aaaaannnndddd.........Dicuss!