El Doggo

I like dogs. No matter how I feel or what I'm thinking, I always smile when one barks at me. Dogs are awesome. Unfortunately mine smells bad because we don't wash it enough, and I don't wash it because I don't really love it because she's very fickle and immediately abandons me as soon as someone else is present [the slut]. But in a rented home a long time ago and hopefully far far away [yet also in the future somehow] I will have my own dog and they will be mine.

I shall have either a Scottish Terrier or a Caucasian Shepard. Scottish Terriers are those little furry dogs from the Chum commercials. And they're from Scotland, in case you didn't figure that out [which you probably didn't]. They're very cute. I want one.

Most people don't seem to know about Caucasian Shepards. I'm not a great explainer of things in case you haven't figured that out [which you probably haven't], but here goes. They are very fluffy and sweet looking. When they are puppies, they are the size of a human torso. Adults are about the size of a fully grown man. And not one of those sissy, adrogynous [and freakishly arousing] half-men like Alex Briggs. A real man. And they have massive teeth. Make for great attack dogs. I would name him Theodore.

Or perhaps both. You know all of those little kid cartoon shows or movies with the little dog in charge of the big dog. That'd be adorable.

DO NOT LAUGH AT ME!!!!!!

And never get me a puppy as a present. Because then I would be unhappy with it [because if I didnt pick it, it sucks] and would name it Hamlet. And it would get confused between itself and food. And then eat itself all up. Canine-abalism style.