I Am Starting My Own Religion

I am awesome. It's just a fact. There's not enough space on the internet to define just how awesome I am, so that's not what I'm going to do [as much as I may like to]. What I am letting you know is that I plan on starting my own religion. [You probably caught that from the title. If you did not, you're a fucking retard and I hope you catch chlamydia.]

Yes, you will all one day be able to have the pleasure of worshipping a religion founded by me [unless I don't like you; then you can fuck right the hell off]. No, I'm not making myself god [yet], I'm not that full of myself [I am]. And it is going to be awesome. Taking a leaf from one of the many, many, many books by L. Ron Hubbard, I'm just going to make up awesome crap like you wouldn't believe.

There's going to exactly 52 gods [that'll also be our holy number], they'll all have complex personalities and behaviours and preferences and their own way of being worshipped. I'm going to come up with awesome stories for all of them. There will be evil ones and good ones and ones that are just nuts. There will be a ruling council sort of thing, and lesser divine beings made by the gods.

It's going to be sweet.

The Revelations Of No One In Particular

You know what's batshit insane?? One of my friends [if you are one, you know who I'm talking about]. And he just now at the time of writing is wrapping up a particularly brutal piece of insanity which I shall henceforth dub the Revelations Of No One In Particular. What is it? Him statusing a very brief bio of basically everyone he knows and a few other things.

The reason that it's called the Revelations Of No One In Particular is because he can hardly be granted the sole knowledge of any of these prior to now. Essentially everyone knew them, many of them were often spoken aloud, all of them are true.

Why is he doing this?? Personally, I think that's more important than the content [and if you really have to know, he says he just doesn't care anymore, which I respect]. If I did something like this [which I often do, though on a smaller scale] it would be because the people I'm criticizing need to be criticised and those who I'm praising need to be praised. How else would people learn to be less crappy or know they were being awesome?? Of course, not all fit into this dichotomy, but still.

But the effects of this are unfortunately doomed to be minuscule. The people he is expressing as awesome will be flattered for a day, then go back to either being awesome knowingly or being punished by the world for being awesome, just as they were before. Those he is criticising [who are all people who hate him, because he's impartial] are about as likely to take it to heart as Japan is to NOT get attacked by godzilla this week and everyone cope by raping the same dog in succession [re: this is really fucking likely]. And not just because it's them [for either capacity].

This all just works like that. Nothing is going to change very much. But isn't that little effect worth the trouble?? Isn't letting those awesome people know they're awesome worth it?? Isn't the off chance that people will better themselves worth the effort??

Depends what's on TV, I suppose.

Zombie-philia

I love zombies. They are one of the most awesome things that have ever been conceived. I can envision a chainsaw ripping one to pieces right now [yummy]. And I am definately NOT the only person who feel s that way. Most every one I know and the thousands of people who make zombie movies and games possible also love zombies. But let's have a little look at why that might be.

So why would people be in love of the idea of zombies?? Firstly; fear. People love having that rush of sheer terror run through them in these sorts of horror situtations. But that can't be the only reason. There are plenty of horror genres out there, many of which far more realistic than zombies. So there has to be more.

Next comes something I have touched upon already. Violence. I am in no way convinced that there is a single human being who doesn't have the drive to destroy and slaughter; it's just how we are. And a horde of mindless, bloodthirsty zombies gives everyone free reign to main as we please. We like that. [Or at the very least, I LOVE it.]

But something I think most people don't realise about their love for zombies is how they like the idea of simplicity. Imagine it; a zombie apocalypse, you and a few other survivors trying to....survive. All that would matter is getting food, fighting of zombies, getting food, fighting of zombies. Of course it would certainly not be so easy or good [in fact I imagine it would be terrible], but a lot of people want their lives to be less complicated.

There's not really a lot to say to that either. Who doesn't want a more stright forward life??

Why Would You Be Like That??

As I've said before, no one should ever like or dislike a band for any reason other than their music, and if you don't like them you have to respect that others do. For instance, given the opportunity, I would have every single rapper EVER brutally executed via castration with rusty objects and subsequent crucifixion [those romans knew how to get shit done!], but I'm willing to accept that other [retarded] people like them.

Now when I say that, I mean it. And I am SO GOD DAMNED SICK of people who go on and on about the bands they like going MAINSTREAM and how they liked them "before they were famous" and how I "only like them coz they're on the radio". WELL OF COURSE I ONLY LIKE THEM COZ THEY'RE ON THE RADIO!!! How else would I have ever heard of them you fucking retard??!!

And those people who stop liking a band because they're famous. Seriously?! How could you no longer like a bands music just because other people do?? Are you really that shallow and vapid?? Do you really need a band to be obscure and unknown in order to like them?? Do you have to be able to go on about how you're more "deep" and "musically knowledgable" or some other fucked-up bull shit in order to ENJOY MUSIC???!!!!!!

If you ever truly liked this band or its musicians, you should be fucking stoked that everyone else is getting in on how amazing they are. Or how beautiful they're music is. If you feel otherwise then YOU ARE A BAD PERSON. If they're musical style has changed or you've just gotten sick of them, that is acceptable, but deep down, you will always know if that really is the case, and if it's not, then you will always know just how despicable you are. [Entirely.]

There is no but and there are no exceptions. A BAD PERSON.

Children Need Decent Names

I want to have children some day. Not for a good while, certainly, but that is definately one of my goals in life. As I have said before, I have many complex beliefs about rasing children. This is about none of those.

I hate shitty names. There are many shitty names, and many of them fall into categories. Here are four of them;

1. Named after a Flower. Seriously, what decent, respectful person names their child after a shitty flower?? Rose, Lily, etc. are all terrible, terrible names.
2. Named after a Day/Month. Probably committed by the same parent/retard who would commit the above. Can you not imagine how stupid and pointless and potentially confusing this could be?? eg. "My name is August and I was born in July."
3. Named after a City. The only instance I know of this is Paris. It no longer means beautiful. Today, it means spoilt, slutty whore. And for boys it means "Beat the shit out of me right now." Who would do this to their child??
4. Named after a Country. Again, thankfully rare; in fact I've only heard of it once. I know a guy named Israel. Nice guy, but a fucking horrible name. It's a country, NOT A PERSON.

"But what's wrong with giving my child one of these names??" A retarded parent may ask this. Firstly, whatever you may think about innocence, children are cruel, heartless little bastards. They will torture your child for having a crap name. And adults are no better. Your child will suffer for their whole life.

Also, why give them a sucky name when you could give them one that's, you know, not sucky?? My children's names?? Well I don't have any, but I am rather fond of Conner and Chloe. I do have a plan for my first son though; Tadakatsu [as in Tadakatsu Honda].

Fuck You Guy

I enjoy made-for-adult cartoons. [Not hentai; regular cartoons you sick-minded weirdoes.] There a hierarchy of liking, and reasons for it, but that's not what I'm getting at. Today [or tonight, depends on when you're reading I suppose], I want to talk about Family Guy. Or one particular aspect of it.

Firstly, I DO like Family Guy. By no means is it my favourite show, but if it's on I'll watch it, and often laugh. But the thing which infuriates me about Family Guy is the way it rips on other, and very much better, shows. I have seen it rip on Two And A Half Men, The Big Bang Theory, House and it probably has many others. The problem with this is that they are all much better shows than Family Guy.

They are all have much better acting. They all have much more inricate emotions that bring you in and relate you to the characters [more so in House, but the others too]. They are all better written. They are all funnier, and their jokes are all more or less relevant to either the characters, the theme of the show or the plot. Not random, pointless and interchangeable jokes unrelated to anything.

And I'm not criticising that writing style; as I said before, it can be pretty hilarious sometimes. But that in no way gives Family Guy the right to rip on any other show, especially if they are actually better than it. The only person who would like Family Guy more than any of the three shows above is someone who frankly should not procreate, for the betterment of the species.

So Family Guy staff [assuming you all read my blog and take it seriously], stick to what you're good at, and leave your superiors alone.

We Care About The Music, And Nothing Else

A lot of crap goes around accusing Lady Gaga of being a man/hermaphrodite/Illuminati [seriously], and I feel like I should air my views on this topic. Firstly, there is no evidence to any of these, although I admit I haven't heard her explicitly deny any of them [despite confessing to being gay]. Secondly, if any one or more of these is true, who gives a fuck??

Seriously, in what way does anyone care if she's a crossdresser or a hermaphrodite. Do you listen to any musician purely because of their gender/sexuality?? [If yes, you do not deserve life.] I like Lady Gaga's music because I like her music. She could be a fuckind alien from Alpha Centauri who came as an asylum seeker from some great space war and it would have no effect on my opinion of her music whatsoever [although I'd definately want to hear about space war].

Similarly, I don't think that Michael Jackson was a paedophile, but I'm willing to accept that he may have been, and at the very least certainly did seem like one at times. No matter who you are or what you felt about MJ, you have to concede that there was something not right in his head, whatever it was. And despite that, I did not care at all. Why?? Because he made good music, that's why. In all honesty, how many people ever gave a crap about his obvious weirdness?? He made good music, that's all we cared about.

I have never met Lady Gaga, and somehow I doubt I ever will, and I reckon most [re: all] of the people who say shes a man/hermaphrodite have either. So how do they know?? They don't. And why do they care?? Because they're retards.

South Korea May Be The Best Country On Earth

There are many different jobs which I would enjoy having; God of the Universe taking first place. But a bit lower down that ladder [and the first realistic one] is proffessional gamer. Haven't heard of those?? That's because they don't really exist in most english speaking and 'western' countries outside of game testers and reviewers.

But in one glorious, uptopian country their proffessional gamers are equivalent to rock stars, gathering fame and fortune with one sweep of their arm. And that's not just the pinnacle people. No, the lower echelons of proffessional gamers still get money and respect on the level of semi-successful musicians. It surely is a paradise.

And how do they make this money you may ask?? Well, because the people of South Korea are far more elightened than those of the west and value video gaming so highy [as all people should], many of them are willing to pay the same amount people here do for concerts to go see these things, and they are regularly televised. Add all that up with sponsors on par with near-top level European Football stars, and I think you get the picture. These people play video games to get rich AND make everyone happy.

In South Korea RTS [Real Time Strategy] games are, to the best of my knowledge, the most popular genre with Starcraft and Warcraft III tournaments laying claim to godlike numbers of fans. FPS [First Person Shooters] are also popular, and both also have tournamanets in Europe and North America. As far as I am aware, there are none in Australia.

And while I've been describing how awesome proffessional gaming is [and if you haven't picked that up your either stupid or hat video games, so I hate you] you may have wondered what game I would play proffessionally. Well, thats a little hard. I like FPSs, but I'm not very good at them. If I got to choose any, it would be Samurai Warriors 2 [which is the best game ever made], because I honest to god kick ass at it. But I don't think there's tournament for that, so in the RTS realm, I'd probably like Age Of Empire III, or if I had to settle, Warcraft III.

Why Are They Funny?? Just...Why??

One morning, many months ago, when I was just a little year 12, I had gotten to school early, and only one of my friends had also arrived. I'll keep her anonymous [let's call her Kenny]. We were sitting there, and I farted [something that I'm really not prone to]. I was willing to let the whole thing slide into distant memory, but what did Ken-I mean what did Anon. do?? Pissed herself laughing. I did not find it humourus. [Did I spell that right??]

She [Kenny] mentioned this again a week or two ago, asking me "remember how funny that was??" Well I do, and it was not. I just did not find any part of the situation humourus. And I do not get why you did, or why anyone would. I'm not one of those stupid people who is absolutely disgusted by them [you're breathing them in all the time, who cares??] but I just don't get why they're funny.

Is it because they're noisy?? That can't be it, coz apparently me yelling is only funny when my words are discernable. Coz it's a squilchy sort of noise?? Becuase it's made of gas escaping from the body?? Neither of them can be it, because apparently burping isn't awesome [which it totally is by the way].

So...Why?? I just don't get it. Wh-why?? Just...Why??

It's A Child, NOT A PET

I have some fairly complex opinions regarding children, and there's no way I [or anyone who is fit to raise a child] could adequately explain them in one post. There is one however which I can. Your child [and for the sake of argument everyone has a child while they are reading this] is exactly that. A child. A small, vulnerable human being who will one day grow up to be a proper [re: Able to harm others] human being, and the way you raise them will have perhaps be the biggest decider on what they are going to be like when they grow up.

As such, you need to be very careful in they way you raise them. Things like imitation are common [eg. you randomly beating a whole bunch of people up can make them violent], and the way you treat them, particularly at a younger age, have a profound influence on how they see themselves throughout their life. So when put a harness on your child and leash them up like a dog, YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING TERRIBLE PARENT. If you have ever done this, I hate you. If this has ever been done to you, my sympathies.

Seriously. You have them ON A LEASH. LIKE A DOG. What sort of message do you think this gives the child?? That they are no more important to you than a pet, that they need to be watched/tethered at all times and cannot be trusted [it doesn't matter if this is true, it's still bad for self esteem]. Not only that, YOU HAVE THEM ON A LEASH LIKE AN ANIMAL!!!! I can think of nothing more demeaning to a person than this that isn't actually illegal. How would you like it if I tied you to a rope and led you around all day doing pointless shit and either ignoring you or talking to you like you were completely retarded?? What's that, you wouldn't??

WELL NEITHER WOULD THEY IF THEY KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. And there's a good freaking chance that they will despise you for it when they are older. And you deserve their hatred. In fact, you fucking deserve to die for this. I HOPE YOU DIE. And that your child is given to decent parent(s).

I'm Not Into That

Anyone who is reading this has probably read my previous blog confessing that I think about sex around 40% of the time. But I'd like to elaborate on this a little. In there, I include all of the many, many times when someone says something perfectly innocuous and I turn it hilariously sexual [and we all do that], the times when I judge other peoples attractiveness, and so on. The 40% isn't just me thinking of having sex for that whole time. I probably should have clarified that before, but oh well.

Also, even with such a [supposedly] high level level of sex related thoughts, in no way does that mean I want to have sex all of that time. Don't get me wrong, yay sex, but my life is far from centered around it. Were I in a steady relationship with someone hot who [for some reason] I was able to have sex with whenever I wanted, no matter what [without them pushing for it either], I really wouldn't do it that often. I just, like other things.

And on the topic of steady relationships, I prefer them. With the info from the previous paragraph, you can probably infer that a one-night-stand style situation is something I'm just not into. I get why people would like them, I get the attraction, but they're just not for me. I'm a relationship kind of guy.

No idea why I'm telling you all this. It's probably awkward. I'm going to stop now.

Hey Hey, It's WEDNESDAY!!!! FUCKERS!!!!!

There are plenty of shows on channel 9 which I enjoy watching, so it is with the utmost respect and deference that I say everyone involved in running that network is a complete retard. I have a very good reason for saying this, which I'll get to shortly.

First though, I'd like to say that I can forgive channel 9's other flaws. That crappy rip off of masterchef and A Current Affair are [unfortunately] unavoidable travesties. What I just can't forgive is the [I don't have an insult to put here, there just isn't a word] decision to put Hey Hey, It's Saturday at 7:30, after Two And a Half Men, on FUCKING WEDNESDAY NIGHT!!!!

Seriously, WTF??!! How could this decision possibly have gone through?! Did no one realise how retarded this is?? Seriously? In the boardroom where the schedule was being decided, did no one put their hand and say "Hey guys, doesn't this kind of not make sense??" Because IT. DOESN'T. MAKE. SENSE.

Who came up with this abortion of an idea?? I HOPE YOU DIE OF AIDS!!!!

Yes, retarded decisions have been made before by all of the networks [too angry to think of examples], but come on. I mean, really. What the hell?? I just can't get past this.

Seriously??!! NO ONE??!!